Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Prolieve Thermodilatation

If you've ever wondered what it might be like to be tortured by hostiles in a foreign enemy country, you will have a great understanding after enduring the Prolieve Thermaldilitation process.

Upon my arrival at the doctor's office, I was given a 10 mg Valium pill to make me comfortable. About 15 minutes after that, I was escorted back to a private office. There, the attendant went into great detail about what the process would involve. I asked him when the Valium would kick in and was assured it would be just a matter of minutes.

A nurse came in and injected the tip of my penis with laticane to numb the nerves. Not too much longer after that, an entire syringe of KY Jelly mixed with more laticane was injected into my urethra. The attendant did let me know that I may feel a little uncomfortable during that process. I asked again when the Valium would kick in as sweat was pouring from my forehead.

Shortly after this, the doctor came in and inserted the probe device into my urethra. It was at this point that I came off the table in pain. They can tell you all day long that you may feel a "little uncomfortable" but I'm telling you that unless you enjoy the pain of some kind of sick perverted insertion of items into your penis, your going to find this process way more than a "little uncomfortable".

After the experience of that searing pain, I was asked to roll on my side so that a temperature probe could be inserted into my rectum. Being a heterosexual, I view my rectum as a one-way door - meaning it is designed to get things out, not let things in.

Now keep in mind that while all this is going on, I was asked to take deep breaths and wiggle my toes. I wonder if that's what they teach our armed forces if they are captured by the enemy and subjected to torture. Just take a deep breath and wiggle your toes. Who, is kidding who?

Once all the hardware is inserted into your available orifices, you will be asked to relax for 45 minutes while the thermodilitation process occurs. The doctor left the room. It was at this point that I told the attendant that the idea that a Valium is going to make this easy is ridiculous. After enduring 45 minutes of almost uncontrollable urges to urinate and constant pressure on my bladder, the doctor returned to remove the hardware. I must admit- removing the rectal probe wasn't any big deal. As I said earlier, my rectum is designed to let things out.

The attendant said that I would have a great sense of relief once the penile device was removed. The key words here are "once removed". It's the during part that's tough. Removing the device was less painful than insertion, but it still hurts. For the life of me, I can't understand why the doctor can't prescribe something more than a Valium. If you are considering this process, find out from your doctor why you can't get something stronger.

It's now been 36 hours since my procedure and I am experiencing painful urination, blood in my urine, and soreness in that whole area. The reading material from Prolieve says that this may happen so I guess I'm not overly concerned yet. But I still can't pee properly. I hope this subsides soon and I can get the results I am looking for. All I want, at 50 years old, is the ability to empty my bladder, sleep through the night, and be able to drive more than 40 miles without stopping for a bathroom break.

I'm hoping that I can amend this blog to tell you that it was all worth it. That I empty my bladder, sleep through the night, and can drive 150 miles without the need to stop and pee. Hopefully, that will all come... after the hype.